Christmas for Action Fans

Welp, this is another one that is probably not appropriate for young'uns. Let's say this is PG-13 (Parents strongly cautioned), and the full post will go after the jump!

I have to admit, I'm one of those people who never saw Die Hard.* I don't know why! There was just never any moment in my life when I was, like, hmm...I wonder if there's a movie I can watch where Bruce Willis kicks ass barefoot.

But every year, when I peruse lists of the best Christmas movies (in hopes of finding something new), I see Die Hard. Which sounds ridiculous! It always seemed to me to be an excuse to macho up a post that otherwise would be full of charming, heartwarming, feel-good kids movies, and so I would dismiss it.

This year, though, in the interest of broadening my Christmas tastes, I decided to see what all the fuss was about.

And

it

was

AWESOME!!!

Why have I lived twenty-six years without seeing this movie?! I loved every second of it! Professor Snape as Hans the terrorist thief! The obviously coked-up stock broker who was pretty much every 80s stereotype rolled into one (he was just missing the brick-sized cellphone and one of those terrible striped shirts with the white collars)! The actionized-Christmas music! Dressing up a dead terrorist as Santa! Carl Winslow! Carl Winslow from Family Matters was in it!!!

Also, I LOVED the incompetent police officers. The phone operator who was like "I'm sorry, you can't be on this emergency frequency describing your emergency oh and also can you please turn down that machine gun noise?" The terrible police chief whose reaction to the body getting thrown out the window was LITERALLY [shrug] "Probably some stock broker, got depressed." And then when they debated turning off the electricity to throw off the terrorists because yeah, we could save some hostages' lives but OTHER PEOPLE CAN'T BE WITHOUT ELECTRICITY FOR AN HOUR!!! And then when special agents Johnsons were blown up and the guy was like "We're gonna need more FBI guys, I guess."

And don't get me started on Bruce "insert badass witty remark here" Willis! I have always been a middling Bruce Willis fan but after this I want to marry him, slowly grow estranged due to advancements in my career, invite him to my company Christmas party, and then fall in love with him all over again as he methodically thwarts terrorist thieves. I mean, come on!

UGH it was sooooo amazing! And they made FOUR more?! I know how I'm spending my weekend.

Dave's first-view reaction: Cool! [I complain that he's not saying enough] I can't be creative every time! I'm running out of things to say! Stop putting pressure on me!


*I was not watching Die Hard before The Office made it cool

My chalkboard wall has never looked so badass

The only chalkboard muralcle (to date) where I had to ask myself
what color should I use for these bloodstains?

The tagline is literally the most amazing thing I have ever read in my entire life:
Twelve terrorists. One cop. The odds are against John McClane... That's just the way he likes it.